


in the gold room

by ggangpae (tap)



Category: BTOB
Genre: Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lowercase, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-11-19 05:58:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tap/pseuds/ggangpae
Summary: and then it's gone. makes you sad. all your friends are gone. goodbye goodbye. no more tears.there's fear making cobwebs in his head but he brushes them away when ilhoon looks at him and smiles.





	in the gold room

**Author's Note:**

> the biggest warning here is that i still don't capitalize, sorry for who i am as a person. title + summary taken from _snow and dirty rain_ by richard siken. the character death doesn't involve anyone listed in the characters section. there are also some vague allusions to animal death but not enough to warrant a tag for it BUT it's worth mentioning here.

hyunsik has always had routine. he's always needed it, at least according to his parents, and so when they finally trust him enough to move he doesn't abandon his routines.  
  
"don't let yourself get sick," his father had said, squeezing hyunsik's hand in his own on the short elevator ride.  
  
"don't forget to set your alarms," his mother had said, hugging him close in the doorway of his new apartment.  
  
hyunsik had promised them he wouldn't do these things, and so he doesn't. he takes his vitamins every day, right at 9am before his first class of the day—business statistics, which is so boring he could cry. he sets alarms that never turn off, never disappear from his phone and always remind him of important moments.  
  
  
one of his favorite alarms goes off every friday, fifteen minutes before noon. it reminds him that it's time to visit a friend, and because of it he's never missed lunch with do kyungsoo.  
  
  
kyungsoo is a small, bright-eyed boy who smiles easily and makes hyunsik feel special, because the things hyunsik says are always very important to him. they eat lunch together at kyungsoo's office, which he shares with another boy named junmyeon. hyunsik maybe shouldn't call them boys, since they're obviously not boys when they can run their own office in the city and wear such nice suits, but they still look young, sometimes younger than hyunsik thinks he looks when he peers at himself in the mirror.  
  
"so, how are classes?" kyungsoo asks hyunsik, gesturing a bit with his chopsticks in a way hyunsik's mother would classify as rude. this is another reason he likes kyungsoo so much—a lot of people are stiff and awkward around hyunsik, but never kyungsoo, and never junmyeon either, on the occasions that they talk.  
  
"boring," hyunsik says, because it's true. "none of them are things i want to do, i don't want to be an accountant so statistics are boring, and i don't want to be a writer so literature is even worse—i wanted to take music, but umma said no."  
  
kyungsoo's abandoned his chopsticks briefly for a pen, jotting down what hyunsik assumes are reminders for work things. "so nothing you'd dreamed they'd be," he says, and when he smiles at hyunsik it's contagious, though not a mirror expression; kyungsoo's eyes stay so round and cute and hyunsik's just disappear. "college isn't always fun at first, trust me. the classes that matter to you will come later."  
  
hyunsik believes kyungsoo with all his heart, mostly because kyungsoo has gone to college a lot and would never lie.  
  
  
hyunsik thinks he makes friends easily, all things considered. he wouldn't know for sure, since his mother's always been very overprotective, refusing requests for sleepovers and going to the movies when hyunsik was still going to school with other kids. but when he talks to people it's always natural, and people are always really nice, except when they're awkward around him. the first friend he makes at college is a girl around his age named bomi. he likes her because she's instantly herself around everyone, from the professor they share to the TA she scares off after two weeks into the semester and finally, to hyunsik. she laughs loudly and her nose scrunches up funny and she eats in a way that hyunsik thinks most people must find unattractive, but hyunsik just thinks it's cute.  
  
it's real, like the rest of bomi.  
  
  
"your apartment is so _empty_ ," bomi says, flopping onto the sofa dramatically. hyunsik looks around to try and figure out what she means, and realizes it must be the lack of decorations.  
  
"my mom never liked a lot of clutter in my room," he answers from the small corner that makes up the kitchen. he places pre-cut fruit in a neat pile on a plate for the two of them, and when he takes it out to bomi she immediately snatches it from his hands, munching on an apple slice.  
  
"but i mean, nothing? seriously? no paintings, no keys, no dumb coffee mugs with puppy art all over them?" bomi talks with her mouth full of food sometimes, cheeks puffed up like a chipmunk's. it's cute, hyunsik thinks. bomi is really cute. he thinks about kyungsoo and his cheeks and his big bright eyes and realizes he'll want to tell kyungsoo about bomi on friday.  
  
so he ignores all the questions for a moment, fiddling with his phone until the camera app pops up, and then he raises it, snapping a photo of her mid-fruit feast.  
  
"yah! warn a girl, why don't you!" she shouts indignantly, but when hyunsik shows her the photo she starts laughing, cackling into her hands about how hideous she is.  
  
(hyunsik still thinks she's really cute.)  
  
  
"statistics is still boring," hyunsik says, and wants to whine about it for kyungsoo's entire lunch hour, about how college is quite possibly even more boring than home schooling was. he's about to launch into a very long, dramatic rant about just how truly boring it can be when he remembers bomi, and immediately brightens. "oh, but i made a friend in that classic literature class!"  
  
"did you?" kyungsoo says, looking faintly amused beneath the lid of his coffee cup. "are you sure?"  
  
kyungsoo likes to tease, because he's done this before any time hyunsik mentions new friends. but hyunsik has come prepared this time and he quickly brings up the photo of bomi from the other day and shows kyungsoo, feeling rather pleased with himself. "her name is bomi. she eats funny like that all the time."  
  
kyungsoo lets out a strangled sound like he's trying not to laugh. "she looks lovely," he says, very seriously, until hyunsik laughs at him.  
  
  
even though hyunsik has no trouble with people at school, bomi is really the only friend he has that continues to be a friend once classes are over. a lot of people disappear to other classes or part time jobs or just to their dorms to study, if they're still intent on being the perfect student. so hyunsik finds that friends are hard to make at his school but he's grateful for bomi, because she doesn't think all his alarms are weird and she eats the pre-cut fruit slices and sandwiches he makes like they're five star meals and instead of teasing hyunsik for the brightly colored plastic cups he uses she absolutely loves them, always picking out the pink and orange ones if they're clean.  
  
  
he really, truly is content with being friends with bomi. she makes him happy and brightens up his day and so that's why he's surprised when he makes another friend. to be fair, he doesn't meet this friend at school, so bomi's still his only claim to friendship there. he meets him on his way back to his apartment after classic lit, bomi parting ways with him somewhere on campus to see her friend chorong for a study date.  
  
this friend is a little weird, but not weird like bomi. he just stares at hyunsik for a whole thirty seconds while hyunsik awkwardly continues walking before finally deciding to catch up and start a conversation.  
  
"do i know you?" he asks, and hyunsik glances sidelong to see if he does. he's skinny, like he doesn't eat enough, but his eyes are bright and his cheeks are pink and he looks excited, like he wants the answer to be yes.  
  
"i'm sorry," hyunsik says, because he is, after looking at the boy and seeing how hopeful he looks. "i don't think you do."  
  
"oh," he says, but only briefly deflates. "that's okay, we can know each other now. i'm ilhoon."  
  
  
and just like that, hyunsik has another friend.  
  
  
  
he's not entirely sure why ilhoon wants to be his friend. he figures it has something to do with how he looks—and he stares in the mirror that night for an hour trying to find what ilhoon found so interesting—since that's all ilhoon had to go off of. he isn't complaining, though, because he quickly discovered that ilhoon was just as lovely as bomi, if not more so. he learned a little about ilhoon on the short walk to his apartment, like how ilhoon likes to wear as much leopard print at once as he can possibly get away with and he doesn't like apple cores so the apple slices hyunsik keeps at home will suit him perfectly. he gives hyunsik his number when they get to hyunsik's complex and it looks a little familiar to hyunsik as he keys it in.  
  
after staring at the mirror he lays down for bed and after starting to drift, notices a new text. he didn't get an alert for it but there it is, a happy little text from ilhoon.  
  
`goodnight hyunsik hyung!! ^^`  
  
  
hyunsik rereads the text in the morning. something else pops up on the screen during his fourth or fifth reading and he exits out without really thinking, and smiles, because he's never had anyone to call him hyung before. it feels nice, even though he barely knows ilhoon.  
  
  
"how did studying go?" hyunsik asks bomi as soon as she walks into class and gracelessly slumps into the chair beside him. she looks exhausted, but smiles in hyunsik's direction anyway.  
  
"awful. we didn't study enough and i think i inhaled some of chorong's hair during our two hour nap because i feel deathly ill. can people have hairballs? i'm pretty sure i barely passed the quiz, on top of it all." she yawns, briefly looking away from hyunsik as she does, and when she looks at him properly he notices the dark circles under her eyes. she's still pretty, hyunsik thinks. just tired. "how was your night?"  
  
"good!" hyunsik says, a little too quickly, because he thinks ilhoon is nice and funny, and he thinks bomi is nice and funny, and maybe someday ilhoon and bomi can be friends, too. he's excited. "i met someone, i don't think he goes here, but—we're friends." it sounds silly to say out loud when he barely spoke to ilhoon but he pulls out his phone and shows her the text.  
  
she reads it, and when her eyes flicker up she laughs. "ilhoon is a weird name. he seems nice, though."  
  
"he is," hyunsik says, and thinks about dark brown hair and skinny arms and maybe he thinks about a little more than that, but he stops and just thinks _ilhoon is nice._  
  
  
"god, these are the classes you're taking?" ilhoon is sitting crosslegged on hyunsik's couch, right where bomi likes to sit. hyunsik thinks to mention bomi, but then ilhoon flings the statistics textbook aside with a dramatic sound that makes him forget to. "these _are_ boring! didn't you say you like music? why aren't you taking, i don't know, beginning flute or something?" he abandons the stack of textbooks and homework that hyunsik keeps on the coffee table for the sandwich hyunsik made for him, but hyunsik is a little disappointed because he doesn't eat the way bomi does, like it's something he loves. he's skinny, too skinny. he doesn't eat enough of the sandwich and hyunsik looks at it sadly. "hyung? hyung, do you really hate flutes that much?"  
  
hyunsik startles a little when ilhoon snaps his fingers in front of his eyes. he glances back at ilhoon, concern written all over the other boy's face. hyunsik feels his cheeks go hot with embarrassment. he doesn't usually get distracted so easily. maybe kyungsoo will have some advice. "i—no, i don't hate flutes, but i don't think that's a music class i'd do well in." hyunsik smiles, mostly at the muscle memory he feels in his fingers when he thinks about what he does like to play. "i wanted to take guitar. my mom hasn't let me play in years, though, so—" hyunsik thinks of the sadness and the fear and the way she begged him not to take guitar classes, just take normal classes. she begged him to trust her and so he did. "it's okay, though. statistics isn't so bad after a while."  
  
"statistics are boring," ilhoon announces. "you're not boring, hyunsik hyung." hyunsik's phone makes little twinkling sounds in his lap, and he glances down at it to see a brief reminder to brush his teeth in an hour. it'll do it again in a half an hour, then ten minutes before eight. routine is so important, he thinks, and that's when ilhoon takes his phone from his hands and says, "at least, you don't have to be boring."  
  
he thinks ilhoon is going to kiss him, with the way he watches hyunsik. hyunsik is captivated, because ilhoon looks so pretty and sweet, full lips and dark hair and dark eyes that look at hyunsik like he's pretty, too. hyunsik would really like ilhoon to kiss him, and he closes his eyes because that's what's coming, but then.  
  
ilhoon is tossing hyunsik's phone onto the coffee table carelessly, and hyunsik worries about its screen. "i have to go," he says, and hyunsik wants to protest, but something is tugging at him, at the corners of his mind.  
  
out of his reach, hyunsik's phone makes a sound like water droplets. now he remembers. "okay," hyunsik says, and smiles when ilhoon waves goodbye. he doesn't notice ilhoon leave but he knows he's gone, and he goes to get ready for bed.  
  
  
before he falls asleep, he sees another text from ilhoon. this time he can picture ilhoon's face in his mind when he reads it and he smiles, and feels something warm start to spread through his chest.  
  
` eat lunch with me tomorrow, okay hyung?`  
  
  
he worries briefly that he's forgetting to do something, like homework, or maybe a class, but it's friday and he doesn't have classes on friday. bomi texts him while he's pulling on his shoes to meet ilhoon at a nearby park and she's complaining that, sure enough, she got a terrible score on the quiz she studied for with chorong.  
  
he reminds bomi that getting more than 75 out of 100 correct does not really count as terrible, not to some people, and then suggests she stop trying to study with chorong. her last text reminds him of where he's supposed to be going, and to stop at a restaurant on the way because he doesn't have the right utensils for all the cooking that a sort-of-picnic would require.  
  
`probably good idea. have fun at lunch, hyunsik-ah!!`  
  
  
ilhoon is still a little weird, even after hyunsik's been getting to know him better. when he spots hyunsik at the park the first thing he does is pull hyunsik's arm, snagging one of the bags of food from him and saying, "come sit on the grass with me."  
  
"we're not supposed to go on the grass, it's for kids—" hyunsik starts, but helplessly follows ilhoon onto the grass, wincing inwardly with each step he takes. he feels bad, and mentally apologizes to the children because they deserve nice grass.  
  
"don't be boring, hyung," ilhoon says, and hyunsik feels that strange warmth in his chest again and wonders if ilhoon will like him more, if he does these kinds of weird things with ilhoon. he wonders if sitting on the grass and getting funny stares from people walking their dogs will make ilhoon like him enough to kiss him.  
  
he wonders if ilhoon's lips are as soft as they look and when ilhoon catches him staring, he blushes, hastily opening a container of bibimbap as a distraction. hyunsik stops wondering.  
  
  
it's only after he tosses out the garbage and ilhoon snatches his phone and says, "you've got a missed call from a kyungsoo, is that important?" that hyunsik realizes what he forgot.  
  
his goodbyes to ilhoon are frantic and rushed and apologetic, fear seeping into every inch of his skin and making it crawl. he forgot his routine. he ruined his routine. he's never missed a friday lunch with kyungsoo, and lunch with kyungsoo is so, so important.  
  
ilhoon looks sad and that's important too but hyunsik wrenches his hand free from ilhoon's and just babbles, "i really, i really have to go, i'm sorry."  
  
  
when he shows up at kyungsoo's office, it's junmyeon that sees him first. he looks alarmed, and then relieved. "you usually eat lunch with kyungsoo around noon," he points out, gently nudging their secretary to the left so he can type something on the computer. hyunsik is panting, having run the entire way to the office the moment he remembered. "is everything okay?"  
  
"yes," hyunsik says, because junmyeon is so nice and friendly and hyunsik doesn't want to worry him. worrying people is a bad habit to get into, it isn't a part of hyunsik's routine. hyunsik isn't sure everything is okay, but when kyungsoo ushers him into his office, he starts to breathe a little easier.  
  
  
"so you were just with a friend?" kyungsoo clarifies, writing a few things down. hyunsik feels awful because he's writing more notes than usual, which means hyunsik has interrupted something important by coming after lunch. he's a bad friend. "was it bomi?"  
  
"no, it's my other friend—his name is ilhoon," hyunsik says.  
  
"do you have any pictures? what a funny name." kyungsoo is smiling at hyunsik, and it calms the cold fear that's still in hyunsik's veins just enough that he can smile back.  
  
"no—i try to take pictures but he refuses all the time, he says his hair doesn't look good or something." hyunsik lets out a sad sigh. "sometimes he takes selcas with my phone, but afterwards he deletes them."  
  
"what a troublemaker," kyungsoo says, and there's a bit of fear again, but he smiles and hyunsik just nods, torn between worry and relief.  
  
  
hyunsik has an alarm set to go off once every two weeks to call his mother. she calls in between those two weeks but he feels better when he has a habit of calling her back, always on the same day and always at the same time. ilhoon is with him today, and hyunsik hesitates because ilhoon gives his phone a cranky look, like it's interrupted something very important even though all they've been doing all day is watching tv and talking about their favorite shows.  
  
(ilhoon likes dramas, makes hyunsik stop on a channel showing one with a boy singing to a girl, playing the piano lovingly, like he's greeting an old friend. hyunsik feels sadness clouding up the corners of his mind. but the song is so pretty.)  
  
he mutes the show while he calls his mother and ilhoon sulks the entire time, but hyunsik really needs to remember his routines, especially after forgetting one as important as lunch with kyungsoo. his mom mentions kyungsoo, says he told her hyunsik was late for lunch. hyunsik feels awful, because there is worry in his mother's voice and he promised her he'd always remember his alarms.  
  
"i'm okay," he promises, and glances over his shoulder. ilhoon smiles at him from the couch, sweet and feline at the edges, like the leopard print pants he's wearing today. his mother says something about college, how it's okay to get distracted sometimes. "only sometimes, though," he repeats her. "i love you too, umma."  
  
  
"i think your mom worries too much," ilhoon tells him later that night. hyunsik watches the way his mouth forms the words and he thinks his cupid's bow is almost as cute as his pouting faces. hyunsik wishes ilhoon would kiss him, because when he doesn't the warmth in hyunsik's chest just feels suffocating.  
  
"that's just how she is." she has her reasons, though, and hyunsik hesitates, wondering if he should tell ilhoon. or if ilhoon even wants to know. "my older brother, he left when i was younger. she worries a lot about me because it's easier than worrying about him, i think."  
  
"just promise her you won't do anything like that," ilhoon suggests, and hyunsik feels the soft ghost of fingertips stroking down his arm. "she'll trust you."  
  
hyunsik looks over at ilhoon and thinks about asking if he should trust ilhoon. ilhoon is so sweet and so beautiful, like sunshine that tickles and warms his face in the morning when he sleeps in, just until his earliest alarm. but he made hyunsik forget about lunch with kyungsoo.  
  
ilhoon smiles. it makes hyunsik's heart beat faster, and he feels dizzy. "i mean, i trust you," ilhoon says, like that's all that matters.  
  
maybe it is.  
  
  
ilhoon falls asleep at hyunsik's that night.  
  
hyunsik wakes up in the morning to a warm mouth around his cock instead of an empty bed and for a brief moment, he's terrified and confused.  
  
then he remembers. ilhoon isn't part of his routine yet but he's getting there and this is just. this is new. this has never happened to him before and he's unsure what he's supposed to do, because ilhoon glances up at him through dark eyelashes and there's a smile in his eyes and his mouth is red and swollen but it isn't quite as wet as hyunsik thought these sort of things would be.  
  
hyunsik thinks about touching ilhoon's hair, soft brown strands that remind him of chocolate and puppies and dusty but beautiful dressers in storage. he wants to and he reaches and then ilhoon lets out a sweet, sweet sound and sinks all the way down, swallowing around hyunsik.  
  
hyunsik's hand twists in the sheets instead and he comes, startled and confused but with warmth in his chest.  
  
  
ilhoon becomes a routine, after that. he isn't a routine that needs alarms which is new to hyunsik. he shows up when it pleases him at first but then he starts staying, just staying the night and then another and another. he watches television and makes a mess sometimes but never eats the apple slices hyunsik hopes he'll eat in hyunsik's absence. he's so skinny but he never looks tired and never looks unhappy about it, so hyunsik tries not to worry.  
  
he goes to school and he's distracted, statistics formulas blurring together and making even less sense than before. ilhoon texts him and tells him he misses him. he tells hyunsik he's boring when he goes to school.  
  
"is that your boyfriend?" bomi asks innocently after another text during lit class. hyunsik blushes furiously and shoves his phone in his pocket, not even reading what ilhoon sent this time. "is it the boy with the weird name?"  
  
"he's not my boyfriend," hyunsik says softly, and thinks about brown hair and how he wishes he'd touched it when he had the chance because it never feels right to the rest of the time. "is chorong your girlfriend?" he asks in an attempt to distract bomi, because the warmth in his chest makes it even harder to take down notes than it already is.  
  
she flusters and says something indignant, so he's pretty sure chorong is something to bomi, either way.  
  
"you'd like him," hyunsik says, because while ilhoon can be a little weird and calls him boring for the silliest things, he's so sweet sometimes. he's funny and makes hyunsik laugh so easily, makes faces as ridiculous as bomi's and hyunsik wonders at night sometimes, with ilhoon a few inches away curled in on himself, if bomi was the one meant to meet ilhoon that day. they would make so much more sense as friends than hyunsik and ilhoon do.  
  
"when can i meet him?" bomi asks, chin propped up in her hands. she's chewing bubblegum and when she blows a bubble, it gets stuck to her nose. hyunsik smiles, because he wants her and ilhoon to meet as soon as possible.  
  
"whenever you want," hyunsik promises.  
  
  
ilhoon is never around when bomi is, though. she comes to his apartment on a saturday afternoon and ilhoon has always been there before and bomi waits on the couch, shouts, "yah, make me a sandwich!!" from there more than once over a few hours and giggles at herself, and then hyunsik when he dutifully makes and brings her the sandwiches.  
  
ilhoon doesn't show up and the warmth in hyunsik's chest is lukewarm when bomi leaves that night. she kisses hyunsik's cheek and says, "maybe next time!" like it's an accident ilhoon isn't there.  
  
but later that night ilhoon is home and he tangles his legs with hyunsik but he won't kiss hyunsik, never kisses hyunsik, just whispers, "hyunsikie hyung is boring around bomi."  
  
  
hyunsik doesn't want to be boring.  
  
  
he forgets to go to school a couple times, and those times turn into a week. bomi texts him with concern because he's never missed class before but he tells her he's sick. it's a lie, but it feels like the truth with how he can't seem to do anything except spend all day and night with ilhoon. it doesn't seem normal, and there's fear making cobwebs in his head but he brushes them away when ilhoon looks at him and smiles.  
  
  
on the way home from getting groceries, ilhoon spots a stray cat. it's a tabby, soft ginger and buff colored fur, and it meows when hyunsik reaches the two of them. "can we take it home?" ilhoon asks, and hyunsik shifts the bag of groceries into one arm, so he can let ilhoon hand the cat to him. it settles into the crook of hyunsik's neck, purring happily.  
  
"okay," hyunsik says, because the idea of saying no to ilhoon seems both foolish and awful.  
  
he forgets something when he gets home, he knows he does. he can't find his phone and he thinks he should be worried, or he should run to kyungsoo's office again, but then there's a cat twisting around his ankles and a bag of groceries waiting to get put away and a pretty boy with dark hair and beautiful eyelashes watching him from the couch.  
  
  
hyunsik doesn't leave the apartment for weeks. he thinks he should but he doesn't and his mom calls and there are knocks at the door but hyunsik is so distracted. the cat they brought home is sweet, and headbutts hyunsik whenever he sits down at the couch.  
  
ilhoon names him david, even though that's a weird name for a cat. especially since it's not even a korean word.  
  
  
hyunsik doesn't have any apple slices left.  
  
  
david starts crying after a few days and ilhoon seems to lose interest and hyunsik realizes david is hungry, because they didn't get him any cat food and ilhoon's just been feeding him junk food all day and night. he feeds david a can of tuna that he finds at the back of his refrigerator and whispers, "i'm sorry," to the tabby cat, so ilhoon won't hear and call him boring. david deserves a better owner.  
  
  
"i dyed my hair," ilhoon says, after shaking hyunsik awake. it's late—the sun that shines in his little window is too dark to be morning light. he looks up at ilhoon and his hair looks coarser, soft shades of ginger that catch the light just right. "do you like it?"  
  
hyunsik reaches up and lets himself touch it. it's soft, like he figured it would be when it was brown and all he could do was stare and wonder. "i do," he says, even though he's sure he's forgetting something.  
  
  
hyunsik has lost all routines. he can't find his phone and it's the only way he's kept track of his alarms and ilhoon has confused him terribly over the past few days. there's a guitar in the kitchen but the strings are ripped out. his couch is missing two cushions. there's a strange smell coming from the bedroom and so hyunsik sleeps on the couch instead and ilhoon comes out to sleep with him.  
  
the smell always follows. hyunsik knows he's forgotten so many things.  
  
  
bomi shows up on what hyunsik thinks might be a monday, but he's not sure anymore. she knocks on his door, pounds on it and yells from outside that if hyunsik doesn't answer the door she'll kick it down.  
  
he opens it, and she stares at him. "you look like shit," she says flatly. it's mean, but it's also probably true, and bomi is so genuine and different and loud. she seems so real. he always wants to hug her to make sure she's really there. she pushes in past him and he thinks about his phone and wonders if the photo of her eating is still there. bomi has to be real—kyungsoo saw her.  
  
"hyunsik-ah, this room is a mess!" he shuts the door and turns to look at bomi. she's frowning, hands on her hips. she's standing by the coffee table. hyunsik is forgetting something. "why haven't you answered your phone?"  
  
"i can't find it," he says weakly, because he hasn't been standing up much lately and it's making him dizzy. he's been sleeping a lot. he thinks he has, or he hopes he has—he's so tired.  
  
and then he remembers. there's a brief moment of excitement that feels foreign because it's been so long since hyunsik felt happy and he thinks about dark brown hair and forgets about ginger and says, "you can meet ilhoon, he's in the bedroom, i think."  
  
bomi looks like she's ready to strangle hyunsik but she stomps off into the other room anyway. hyunsik sits down on the couch because standing is starting to hurt, and he wishes he could find his phone.  
  
bomi stays in the bedroom for longer than hyunsik expects. maybe she and ilhoon are getting along like he thought they would. hyunsik feels relieved, and thinks about taking a nap.  
  
when he wakes up, bomi's shaking his arm and she looks pale and sick. hyunsik worries, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "i found your phone," she says, and she sounds as worried as hyunsik feels. "do you want your phone? i called your mom. she's so worried, hyunsik—"  
  
hyunsik has forgotten so many things, his mother is just another thing to apologize for. he covers his face and bomi crouches in front of him and hugs him tightly, soothing a hand through his hair. she whispers to him that it's okay, he's going to be okay, but her voice sounds like breaking glass. hyunsik thinks about guitar strings and the way skin will bulge around them when you pull tight and the way his mother looked when he asked if he could take a music class.  
  
hyunsik starts to cry.  
  
  
kyungsoo comes to see hyunsik, but it isn't lunchtime. it's been a while since kyungsoo has visited hyunsik instead of the other way around and now, back on his vitamins—pills, he tries to remind himself, but he doesn't have alarms and so it's hard—hyunsik understands that this is a bad thing.  
  
"i'm sorry," he says, when kyungsoo sits across from him. he's further away than hyunsik is used to, and there are no chopsticks. no bottles of water. no laughing. he wants to cry again. "i'm so sorry."  
  
kyungsoo smiles, and it doesn't make hyunsik want to smile back this time. it's so sad, so much like his mother's when she got to hyunsik's apartment and bomi let go of him to give her room. everyone looks at hyunsik sadly, now. "it's okay, hyunsik," he says, and hyunsik still trusts him and so he believes it. sort of. "i think we should talk about some things. can we talk about your brother?"  
  
hyunsik feels fear and it runs through his veins like ice and he shakes his head frantically. "no, no, not hyung, i don't want to talk about—" he stops. he tries to remember the breathing exercises the nurses always remind him of. he holds his breath and feels dizzy but when he lets it out, it's okay. he thinks about guitar strings and twisting them tightly and he looks up at kyungsoo briefly and kyungsoo's eyes are so round.  
  
"i want to talk about ilhoon," he says, and thinks his name over and over again to block out the strings and the piano and the way his mother cried. "please, tell me what happened to ilhoon," he pleads, because no one has talked to him about ilhoon. whenever he talks about a boy with dark hair, no one understands. bomi visited him and he asked her if she saw a boy and if he hurt someone and bomi looked so sad. but she promised him that he didn't hurt a boy and she held his hand across the table so hyunsik knows ilhoon is somewhere.  
  
kyungsoo looks confused. he doesn't have the files in front of him that the other doctors always have and so hyunsik presses him, because he's forgetting something. "he was there before bomi came. i know he was because i felt—"  
  
"do you mean the cat?" kyungsoo asks, delicately, like hyunsik is made of glass and he's distraught over a cat. hyunsik wants to argue with him, like all the other doctors, and then he remembers.  
  
hyunsik thinks about dark brown hair he couldn't touch, about lips he always wanted to kiss but never did, about a mouth that felt more like his hand. he remembers soft orange fur then soft ginger hair he could touch and the smell that wouldn't go away.  
  
"i'm sorry," he says, to ilhoon, to david, to kyungsoo, to bomi and his mother and his brother and hyunsik needs to apologize to everyone.  
  
instead, he throws up.  


**Author's Note:**

> original a/n: just in case it wasnt clear i promise hyunsik didnt have sex with a cat this is not dmmd. thank u may. on a more serious note, hello and thank you for reading! i am a little nervous about this because i wrote it all in one go and i don't usually do that, but i have a couple very trustworthy, sweet friends who promised it was good so ;w; i hope you enjoyed it!  
>   
> also, if you have any questions or want to clear anything that happened throughout the story up, please don't hesitate to ask! i thought out everything while i was writing it so even though there are a lot of unexplained things going on and i designed the fic to be complete despite them, i can help you out! thank you again for reading ♡


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